Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
