I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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