By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
