She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
