my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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