i permit you to call me
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
