I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
