Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
