I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
