So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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