apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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