Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
