A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
