Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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