Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
