everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
