Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
