some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
