last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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