why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
