Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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