Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
