Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My feet surprised me
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