Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
