two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
