The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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