Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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