How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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