So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Success! We fucked roommates!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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