4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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