I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
