Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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