we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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