i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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