Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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