I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You are a genius and a whore.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
