I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just threw up on my dentist
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
