Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
