i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
