Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
