the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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