so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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