So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
