Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I didn't notice because vodka
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
