I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
