oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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