these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
