i just wanna soil my oats bro
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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