yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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