Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
