so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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