so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
